2014

Back in the day when I took the time to blog, I captured basically everything that was happening in my day-to-day life. But blogging is no longer my priority...or maybe it kind of got hard sharing my life with the public. Either way, when I try to think back over my year, I no longer can reference my blog, and my journal is more full of emotional entries than actual events.

 

So. Here I am attempting to review my year.

 

1. What did you do in 2014 that you'd never done before?

Threw away my plan for my life and just went with the flow. Opened my mind and heart to new experiences and feelings and yes, I'm going to leave it that vague because if you know you know and if you don't...ummm...sorry (not sorry).

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions?
I don't remember making resolutions. BUT I can say 2014 was the year I decided not to settle for anything less than I want...and I haven't. This is harder than it seems, because there have been a couple of things that were great and so close to what I wanted...but not it exactly. Sometimes it's like a roller coaster of emotions, but worth it to have no regrets.
 

3. What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?
More time to write. I spent the majority of the summer staying out late and sleeping in. There were not many 3 or 4 or even 5 a.m. writing sessions to be had, and I want to remedy that. I have so many books that I need to get out there.

4. What dates from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 17...the day I met someone who changed my life in a way I didn't know needed changing. In short, it was a guy I fell for who, whether through conscious intention or not, taught me what it's like to actually open up and just feel. And, as much as I want to say fuck feelings because they can be as tragic as they are beautiful, all I can say is that every tear was worth it.

 

May 24...the day I fulfilled one of my most fun dreams. I danced as a cheerleader at an arena football game. In front of thousands of people. It felt amazing and like I was a complete imposter...which I kind of was but nevertheless a great memory and one I hope to repeat in 2015.

June 21...the night of the San Diego book awards because I was a finalist for an award. I didn't win, but what an honor anyway. It also helped that we went out afterward and drank a whole bunch.

August 8...the day my brother got married on a ranch in Utah. It was a day of fun with family and friends, a night of dancing (very soberly, might I add) under a sky of full moon and stars. Plus I was wearing the most amazing pair of boots and had a great hair day.

Thanksgiving Week...I spent in Utah with my family. I went running and shooting with the cowboys and hiking with my brother. Upon my return to SD I went camping in the desert and laid under a sky full of stars. Stars get me every time.

5. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
 Well I didn't murder anyone, and given my level of irritation with most people--and the amount of game invites I'm still receiving on Facebook--that's a big deal.

6. What was your biggest failure?
Staying a size 0. I have way too much of an appetite for that.

7. What was the best thing you bought?
My car. I could have bought something cheaper or more practical, and in fact some people voiced their opinions about how I didn't need 4 wheel drive or leather interior or something with better gas mileage, but once I decided what I wanted, I went for it. And, in the spirit of not settling, I waited a week--big deal for me, I am impatient AF--for the dealership to send me the exact color and limited edition I wanted.

 

8. Where did most of your money go?

 I wish I knew! I mean...aside from a new piano, a new car, a new place to live, several pair of boots, some vacations, a random act of kindness to a stranger, an expensive trip to the vet and...wait. Nevermind. Forget this question.

9. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Finally living the life I've always wanted. Waking up every day and just feeling freedom, in knowing I could do anything I wanted with my life and believing in myself enough to make that happen.

10. What songs will always remind you of 2014?
Sorry for Party Rocking--because that's what I danced to at that game.
Whiskey in My Water--because someone sang it to me
Bossin' Up--because that's been my theme song this year.
Edge of Desire--because it helped me cry when I needed to, which is a big deal since I have such a hard time crying.

11. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? sooooo much happier even though there have been more tears this year than any other year.
b) thinner or fatter? thinner. A lot thinner...although the last few days way less so because COOKIES.
c) richer or poorer? Richer. I no longer have a giant mortgage, and I spend whatever I want on whatever I want (next year I may be singing a different tune given the amount of money I've burned through).

12. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing. And...I shouldn't admit this because BORING...but sleeping. I'm a horrible sleeper and spent many, many sleepless nights tossing and turning and then feeling like a zombie the next day.

13. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Maybe working...I've been pulling 10-12 hour days most days. I also wish I would have worried less and definitely wish I wouldn't have eaten as many Christmas cookies as I have.

14. Did you fall in love in 2014?
Haaaaaaahahaaaaaa.....Neeeeeeeext question.

15. How many one-night stands?
See above response

16. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No. I truly don't hate anyone. I think everyone comes into my life for a reason...either to stay or teach me a lesson and sometimes both.

17. What was the best book you read?
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

18. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Taylor Swift and I'm not even joking. Blank Space really caught my feelings at the time...

19. What did you want and get?

Size 0 pants. I've since graduated to size 2 though, because I can't stay away from sugar or alcohol for too long.

 

20. What did you do on your birthday...and how old were you?
Drinks on the beach with friends, a sunset on the beach...and none of your goddamn business.

21.What was one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I learned so many lessons, laughed and made some great memories, and shed many tears. It was the best and hardest year of my life but I wouldn't change a thing.

22. What kept you sane?
Mel, my sister, Lacey, Hank, Moab, The Real OC, writing, the sun, the stars, nature, and vodka.

23. Who did you miss?
My grandpa.

24. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014
Never settle for something that's not exactly what you want. More is possible. There are no limits.

24. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"Keep me where the light is." (Gravity by John Mayer)
"Young and full of running. Tell me where is that taking me. Just a great figure eight or a tiny infinity." (Edge of Desire by John Mayer)

"Don't stop believing!"(Journey)

25. What does 2015 hold for you?
The release of my 2nd novel (Among the Dimes), buying a house, travel, laughter, more happiness, less cookies, less worry, more boots, maybe another dog, a white Jeep Wrangler, more time with family and friends, joy, and whatever I want.

Twas the Day Before Christmas

I'm spending Christmas in Washington with my sister. And her husband and 2 kids. And my brother, his wife, and their 4 kids. And my brother-in-law's sister, husband, and their 3 kids. And my adult niece. There are 16 people in this house. And 2 dogs that do nothing but fight. And, while it's a sufficiently (excessively) big house, let's be real. It's still noisy as hell and not at all the level of quiet I'm used to. So. Here's my take on the situation:

‘Twas the day before Christmas, when all through this place

I sat on the couch with my palm on my face.

16 stockings waiting to be filled;

My one cup of coffee some asshole had spilled;

The children weren’t nestled all snug in their beds;

While visions of duct tape filled adults’ heads;

With sister in the kitchen and I sitting there;

Had just settled my brain from the throes of despair;

When out on the porch there arose such a clatter;

I sprang from the Web to see what was the matter.

Away from the noise I fled like a champ;

Ran out on the lawn, my socks getting damp.

The wet of the grass of the new-fallen rain;

Gave a chill to my heart and just deepened my pain,

When what to my wondering eyes did appear,

An angel of mercy--a 12-pack of beer!

With kids numbering 9 and adults only 7,

I knew in a moment this gift was from heaven.

More rapid than eagles, I made it a game,

I whistled and shouted and called them by name:

"Now sister! Now Brother!

Now Taylor and Jon!

Come grab some beer before it’s all gone."

We looked at the kids and then made the call…

"Just dash away! Dash away!

Dash away all!"
They didn't. They're here to stay.
This doesn't rhyme. I've over it.
Is it too late for me to ask Santa to bring me whiskey?
And ear plugs?

*Disclaimer: This is all fun and games. I love my family, I love the kids, and this is a big Mormon family, so the alcohol consumption is on the DL..or if you're one of the family members, let's just pretend it's not happening AT ALL.

 

My life might be ruled by hashtags (and/or parenthetical statements)

In case you're wondering if you felt the world stop turning momentarily yesterday, it did, and it's my fault. I left the house without makeup and I'm not even sorry.

Because I see zero point in mascara when it's going to be promptly wiped off during my facial. Right before my massage but after my mani/pedi.

This is how I spent my day off.

That, and getting the grill of my car fixed.

Last week I got hit by a dog and it caused damage to my car.

I am grateful (because it's the month of gratitude and those daily gratitude challenges are the reason I avoid Facebook in November)) that my dog is healthy and I have the money to get my car fixed because I have a good job and a sugar daddy (kidding, my job sucks, and also I don't for sugar daddies). That's all anyone told me about the situation, that I should be grateful it was just my car and not my dog and what I really was was screaming into a pillow because now that I'm single and supporting a dog and excessive shoe habit, every dollar counts and dammit I don't want to spend approximately 1 pair of boots and a month's worth of spray tans getting my car fixed. Hashtag I'm bitter about the cost.

Naturally, I went to the bar while my car got fixed and promptly took a shot of "house"("house" is apparently code for "shit") tequila.

As I was sitting across from my friend chatting up some guys beside us, a random guy walked up to me and whispered in my ear. "You're stunning," then walked away.

That was my favorite memory about today. Aside from making me feel pretty, I love that there was absolutely zero motive behind his words. He said it with no intention other than to make me feel good.


It made me reflect on how powerful our interactions with people--even strangers--are, and how I'm going to probably remember that moment for the rest of my life, or at least until the end of the week. Also how I really need to pay attention to what energy I'm putting out there. I know it comes across like I'm super judgemental, but that's only because I'm super judgemental.

No, not really. Or at least these days I try not to be. I try to have positive interactions with everyone I meet (we're not going to ever mention my interaction with the owner of that dog--fight or flight is a real thing, and there's no accounting for behavior when science is involved) believe that Smashing Pumpkins song says it best, "disarm me with a smile." We're not even going to talk about what a smile mixed with the right words will do.

But I digress.

The auto body shop called and told me my car was done, and next thing I knew, it was 4:44 and we were uploading videos of my car reading inappropriate text messages to Instagram.

And then reality sank in that it was only Tuesday and not the weekend and that my 4 a.m. writing session was right around the corner.

Hashtag today hurts.

Online Dating

I'll admit to something I probably shouldn't: one of the regrets I had when I was married was that I never got to try online dating.

I KNOW.

Regardless, as soon as I felt it was right, I joined Match.com. I didn't post any bikini pics, nothing scandalous, and was pretty vague about who I am:

I was overwhelmed with emails, photo "likes" and yes, of course, those pointless "winks" (none of which I responded to).

It became a full time job (luckily I was on Spring Break), managing all the communication, figuring out which guys were texting me, what they looked like.

I think I went on 3 dates before I realized maybe online dating wasn't for me. There is something that photos can't tell you, and that is whether or not you'll have chemistry in person. And let's not even talk about the ways that people may or may not look like their pics.

I was excited to jump back into the dating game, and as soon as I came back into town from my Utah trip, I scheduled some dates. All 3 of the guys I went out with called me, texted me, and offered to help me move...after just 1 date.

But I wasn't interested, and things were getting old fast.

But then I met this one boy...

We met for drinks at a place near my house. He was 25 minutes late. But from the moment he walked in, I was at ease. He was maybe even more of a smart ass than I am. Oh yeah, and tall, athletic, and rocking a five o'clock shadow, for which I am a complete sucker.

We bantered back and forth for about 3 hours. He walked me to my car, kissed me on the cheek, and texted me about 20 minutes later.

The next night, I had another date with a different guy who, based on his pictures, was also promising. I arrived at our meeting spot the obligatory 10 minutes late, but he wasn't yet there.

Ten minutes later, I ordered myself a vodka tonic. Twenty minutes later, I shrugged and ordered myself a steak. I enjoyed the fuck out of that filet mignon.

And that lil bitch never showed.

At the suggestion of a friend, I expanded my options and joined one of those free sites. I deleted it after about 8 hours. Too many creeps, too many 23-year-olds, and one guy whose opening line was "Can I please spend the day in bed with you?" (I replied, "Um, Fuck off?" and he said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, can we start over" like there's ANY going back from there).

And then there's that awkward moment when you see your ex shows up as a "daily match" on the website and realize the Internet does not, in fact, have all the answers in life.

Basically, online dating isn't for me. I guess I'd rather know right away whether or not I have chemistry with someone than email/text/whatever back and forth, then meet and find out that what looks good on paper (or online, as it were) doesn't necessarily translate to real life.

Oh, and for the record? That one boy? Date number 4? I haven't decided whether or not to share him with the Internet. Just know that there is a story there, and I don't yet know the ending...

If it were with a "y" would this be happening?

Dating.


It's time.


One thing I have learned is that everyone has their own opinion about what I should be doing with my life. Some say it's too soon for me to date, some say I need to go have fun. Some say I need to be single for a while and find myself.


But honestly...fuck what anyone says. I spent a long time finding myself while I was married. Which is, I suppose, really the reason I'm not married anymore.


But I digress.


I have plenty of dating stories to tell. The reality is there are some great moments I'm not sure I want to share...but there are also some experiences that are begging to be told.


Like the time I was at the dog park with Hank and met a cute boy. Said cute boy and I talked for over an hour. I didn't tell him specifics about my life. I told him I was going to a bachelorette party downtown that day, I listed the ways in which Hank was an asshole, and I introduced myself as "Kelli with an 'i'."


I was pretty sure this guy--Carlos (looked white, apparently was born in Argentina, spoke broken espanol)--was interested, yet after an hour, he hadn't asked for my number, and I had things to do back home (i.e. break into that bottle of Crown I'd purchased for the weekend).


I left the dog park and texted my friends that I'd met a cute boy but he wasn't boss enough to ask for my number, so he apparently was not the guy for me. I can't do shy or insecure. I have enough of that going on, don't need some dude competing with me in the issues department.


But that was before I got a friend request from him on FB.


At first I was just dumbfounded. The only thing he knew about me was my first name...not that I'm a teacher or a writer or any other defining details that could lead to an Internet encounter situation.


And then I became scared...and my ego inflated just a little. Did I have a stalker? Had I finally arrived? Was I going to have to go into the Witness Protection Program?


So I decided to message him and ask him how he found me.


He said all he did was type "Kelli" into the search bar on FB and I was the first pic to pop up. Which scares me more than this blog with 6 years' worth of stories, more than having people read my books, and more than people who drive ice cream trucks.


Goddamn you, Facebook.


I'm too creeped (okay, a little flattered, but mostly creeped out) out by this guy finding me on FB to go out with him. I'm too enamoured with all the attention I get on FB to delete my account.


So here I sit, partially hoping this might happen again--because it makes me feel pretty--but mostly realizing that we live in a world where almost nothing is sacred or private.


And given the amount of time I spend on Instagram, Facebook, and sometimes Twitter, that is the choice I've made in my life, so that anyone who is really interested will see what I'm about a lot more quickly than I would like.


Hi. I'm Kelli with an 'i'." Please stalk me online.

On being grateful

July 14, 2014


The Universe Speaks.


Today, I got my summer rain. It felt monsoonal. It felt like home.


It smelled delicious.


And as I left work, I reveled in the beauty of the concept...ask and you shall receive.


I did.


Before I left work, I stopped in the office to comment on the rain. I spent no more than 1 minute talking to the secretaries, but it was enough.


I started the drive home, intent on searching Youtube for that new Beyoncé song that I'm obsessed with. A firm thought planted in my head.


Put your phone down.


It was a soft inclination, but it was enough. It was enough time for me to focus on the traffic that had come to a sudden stop ahead of me. Time slowed down enough for me to see the shock on one victim's face as he leaned against the concrete freeway median. It was enough for me to see the middle-aged auto-mechanic's name tag--Doug--and notice him clutching his heart. It was enough for me to see the young woman driver of that entirely smashed in Lexus. I'm almost positive she was still alive. I like to think she was, anyway.


I had enough time to see how so many people on both sides of the freeway pulled their cars over to help the injured while the paramedics were en route.


It was enough for me to realize that had I not stopped in that office, had I not listened to that little voice in my head telling me to pay attention to the road, I would have been involved in that 5-car pile up on the freeway.


It was enough for me to realize, without a doubt, that I was being watched over and protected.


It was enough for me to realize that in these seemingly small things, there is a huge place for gratitude.


Today, I am thankful.

Stream-of Consciousness Writing

July 13, 2014

I'm sitting at the dog park in OB. The park with the grass (trees, not the other stuff, but also very much that, it is OB, after all), the trees, and the cement benches. It wants so badly to be nature, but more cars from the freeway (just west of here...30, 40, 8,000 yards--IDK, spatial reasoning isn't really my thing) have passed me in the last 5 seconds while sitting here on this bench than have the past 5 years in The Real OC.

Fuck I miss that place.

Time to go back. Roots. Necessary.

But this park...at least the sun is on my face and the ocean breeze is tickling my face with those little hairs that whip around and never quite stay in my ponytail.

I'm wearing the cutest cardigan and my "oh kale yeah!" t-shirt with short mint green shorts and my new braided Rainbows. I'm kind of obsessed with short shorts and Rainbows...the flip flops and also the actual thing, the kind that happens after a summer thunderstorm.

We don't get summer thunderstorms here in SD. At least, not like those lightening storms back home.

Universe, send me a summer thunderstorm or 2, the kind that roll in on dark gray clouds on a hot summer day.

Like that one last summer, that night down on the farm with Mel. Her first experience on the farm, in the country, with those miles and miles of unobstructed view of those electric flashes.

She turned 19 today. She's having a Rough One. So did I.

That little girl is beyond words. One of a handful of people I'd actually take advice from.

What does that say about me?

Anyway. maybe I'll ride my bike down to the beach later.

Or not.

Maybe I'll get sleep and wake up and write.

I guess I'll go home now.