Bossin UP

I have a hard time believing I'm a real writer. Sure, I've had this blog for 6 years (never mind I rarely post anymore), and sure, I have one book published, another due out in a couple of months, and a third in the works. Also? I was just nominated for a book award.

And yet...

I feel like I'm not a real writer. Those people I go to writing group with...those people who have creative writing degrees...those people who are on the best-seller list...those are the real writers. I stay pretending, trying to act like it's real when people refer to me as an author or writer.

But then I did something very writer-y: I went into the mountains for two days of solitude so I could finish my book.

Let's be real. I stayed in a cabin with running water, electricity, and direct TV. I had spotty cell service, but it was enough for me to upload a couple of pics to Instagram and to call/text a couple of friends.

It's something I've been talking about doing forever. It's something I finally just did. Because why not? The truth of my life is...I can do whatever I want. I have no obligations, nothing holding me back. At this point, if I wanted to take a year off work and write full time, or volunteer somewhere, or just...do nothing (right, like that's in my realm of possibilities), I could.

Freedom. It's a beautiful thing.

So is having finished my last round of revisions on ATD.

Book 3 (working title BTB) is on its way, friends...

Why I'm blogging again

All this time I thought I was so busy. My schedule on any given day is to wake up at 4, write, drink coffee, go for a 5-mile run, go to work, go to whatever after work activity I have (cheer, tutoring, etc), then come home, make dinner, clean, and get ready for the next day.


You know, adult stuff that's boring and stale as fuck.


I thought I was too busy to possibly fit anything else into my day.


But that was true only up until the point I got rid of cable.


I never thought I was a person who watched a lot of TV. I never get pop references. I don't watch the popular shows like Game of Thrones and Survivor and Mad Men and I've never once seen an episode of The Office. I thought I didn't have time.


As it turns out...I do have time. I only noticed this after I moved to my new place and didn't have DVR, Bravo, or even basic cable. That has been remedied. What's the point of life--and my 55" TV--if there's no football (in less than 100 days and counting!!!)?


When I first moved in to my new place, I would sit down for the night in my new place like...now what am I supposed to do?


In theory I would spend the time writing, playing the piano (hard to do when you no longer have a piano, though), making phone calls to loved ones, watching the sunset on the beach, meditating, or various other good deeds that cancel out my shallow, materialistic tendencies. And yes, there have been some nights where I take Hank to the beach to watch the sunset or go for an evening bike ride.


But let's be real. I'm tired as fuck at the end of the day, and usually all I want to do is relax and turn my brain and body off. Back in the old days, that meant watching the shit out of some Friends reruns, any of the various Housewives franchises, and those ridiculously cheesy Lifetime movies that I so love.


But now? It's me and basic cable with no DVR and about six choices of TV shows, including Wheel of Fortune, worldly and local news (no thanks, that's depressing), and--worst of all--commercials.


No thanks.


So. Here I am blogging again...

Wordless(ish) Wednesday

I am struggling with what to write about today. There were many things happening, none of which I am willing to share. So. Naturally, I'm resorting to Wordless(ish) Wednesday.

Mel's birthday present to me. More precious than anything she could have purchased.

Bday crew at the Wavehouse in Mission Beach, my favorite place to drink. My favorite people, minus Scott and my family and, well, quite a few other people, actually. Still. Amazing day.

My birthday "cake" from Lily, the cutest Mathlete ever. And I have no idea why my head looks like that. Whatever.

Birthday Eve drinks with a friend. I like this pic because my nails match the straw, my scarf, and the wall behind me. Also? I look happy. And I love that.

These amazing flowers were delivered to me at work for my birthday. Huge smile on my face when I received them. Huge smile on my face every time I look at them or smell them. I never want them to go away.  I do love being spoiled...

On Letting Go

Today my favorite necklace broke (don't worry, I already ordered a new one). This necklace, while creepy to many, has been a great reminder for me over the past few months to just...let it go.



Yes. It's a snake. Yes, it has meaning. In the world of power animals, snakes represent shedding of skin...as in, snakes let go of the skin that no longer serves them. It is not an easy process. It is slow and painful but entirely necessary.

So I bought this snake necklace to serve as a reminder to let go of anything that doesn't serve me, that isn't for my highest and best good. That isn't exactly what I want.

This year, I let go of a lot. And wearing that necklace really served as a reminder to follow through with letting go of a lot of stuff, like selling all of my furniture, donating a good portion of my clothes and shoes to Goodwill, and letting go of life as I know it. To move on to a life of unknown...to never settle.

It's a freedom I've never known before.

Life is unlimited and abundant and whatever gets in the way of that will be just...let go.

Getting Kelli Back

I had a free day. No plans, nothing to do but recover from drinking on the beach for three days straight. Birthdays are fun. And expensive, both from a fiscal and caloric viewpoint.

I seriously haven't dared weigh myself or check my credit card statement, so so naturally I broke down and treated myself to a beach cruiser. It's Sea Goddess green, has no gears, and cost about the same as a tank of gas.

My mountain bike just rolled over in her proverbial grave.

But. You know. I have visions of me riding down the boardwalk in short shorts and flip flops, maybe a bikini top (depending on recent carb intake because bloating), my hair blowing in the wind. It's basic as hell and a beach bitch must.

Besides, I have this desire to just get outside and go.

A friend asked me to meet for coffee, and initially, I responded with an "I don't know" because I had potential plans with someone else.

And then I got the fuck ahold of myself.

I don't wait. For anyone.

So I hopped on my Sea Goddessey Green (do you see that play on "Goddess" and "Odyssey" in that word?) bike and met that bitch for coffee.  And it was glorious and beautiful, but the best part about it was that I felt like I had Kelli back.

Since I've moved, since everything in my life has changed, I've been a shell of myself. I haven't necessarily been getting up to run every morning, I've been eating sugar, and I've spent plenty of late nights drinking vodka. I haven't been writing, and I even slept in until 6:45 one morning. I almost missed out on plans because I was waiting for a phone call (which, BTW, came way too late).
It's almost like I don't even know who I am anymore.

Except I do. And it's time to reconnect with that person, which means I might not be taking sunset shots at the bar on a school night, but I will be writing and creating and, most importantly, ridiculously happy.

My friend referred to this as "keeping it Kel" and you know what?

You're goddamn right I am.

Year in review

This morning, a friend very kindly pointed out that today was my last day of being 35, then asked if I was nervous.


Nervous? Hell no. I don't do nervous anymore...in theory, anyway.


One of the biggest lessons I've learned this year is that attitude is everything. And sure, we all know that, but do we all live it? What I mean is, it's one thing to spout off things like "stay positive!" and "you have to take care of yourself!", but it's another thing to live them. How many of us are actually living our lives by those inspirational quotes that we so love to post on the walls of our homes or, more importantly (and possibly more obnoxiously), Facebook?


This year, I decided to actually live my life for me. I decided to let go of what no longer serves me, to let go of judgement, and to believe in myself enough to never settle for anything less than what I really want.


This has been a challenging but amazing year.


This year, I finally had enough courage to admit that I was in a marriage that did not work. To be clear, there is no drama, no big story. This is simply a case of two people who were not meant to be married but were too scared to admit it. I finally admitted it. This year, I let go of living life with my best friend. I let go of the dreams and plans we had together, the idea that my life had to be a certain way by a certain time. I let go of the big house,the walk-in closet, the foreign car, and the financial security. I decided that in the end, no matter how many pair of boots I owned, no matter how big my house was or how many people I zoomed past going up that steep hill on the 15 south when I threw my car in turbo mode, it wasn't really making me happy. So I sold everything--in the end it really is just stuff, it's all replaceable (and largely irrelevant)-- and moved to the beach. It's crowded, parking sucks, and there's a washer/dryer in my kitchen, but it is what I want for now.


This year, I let go of judgement. Both of myself and of others. At the end of the day, the only person whose opinion truly matters to me is my own. That is not some self-centered, egotistical way of saying I know more than everyone else. I don't. But I do know what's best for me. So many people have judged me for the way I've handled things. I've been called selfish and bitchy and mean. But at the end of the day, I've done what I know was right for me, and though I know I can be a sarcastic douchehole at times, I also know that I truly strive to do what's best for the planet. There have been situations where people judged me, but rather than defend myself to them, I sat comfortable in the knowledge that I know the truth. I know who I am. And I'm okay with that.


This year, I decided that I will not settle for anything other than what I really want. This is the reason I ended my marriage. This is the reason I decided I'd rather speak my truth and risk upsetting someone than hold my tongue and risk upsetting myself (sidenote: this doesn't mean I'm walking around talking like an asshole all the time). This is the reason that, despite the cost and everyone else's opinion, I bought myself the car I wanted. This is the reason I was able to perform a dance routine at a football game with confidence. This is the reason I was able to accept that my book was nominated for an award and, goddamit, I deserve it. This is the reason I can stand up tall (well, let's be real, I'm 5'2", standing up tall is just a metaphor) and own my life. This is the reason I've stopped putting up with all the BS and just decided that people around me can just be real...or go away.


At the end of the day, you have to let go of what doesn't serve you, which makes room in your life for what you really want. You have to let go of living in fear, and instead live with the knowledge that you can have what you want...it just takes you trusting, knowing, and truly believing that you can have what you want. And you will get it. I'm getting it.


Here's to another year.


p.s...I'm too lazy to come up wit a list, but here's my 34 at 34 and 33 at 33.

Love

I'm in love.


All the classic signs are there: insomnia, butterflies in my stomach, general ecstatic feelings about life.


I've been waking up each morning here in Utah, well past my normal 4 a.m., with no plans for my day. I allow myself far more than my usual half-cup of coffee, do some editing (ATD will be done within the week), and then decide what to do with my day. Usually it involves hanging with someone in my family, taking a dip in the hot tub, and throwing food at Hank so he'll leave me alone. Thursday, my only plan involved scoring a cookie for lunch (I did, it was delicious, more so because I have exactly zero guilt about eating it).

Yesterday, the mountains called to me. I texted a friend to come take a walk with me. Together, we walked up into the foothills and enjoyed meaningful conversation about life. A gentle breeze ruffled through my hair. The air was just the right side of crisp, a perfect Spring day in which to sit back and admire the view of the beautiful, fertile valley below us. A hawk circled overhead, perhaps harboring a spiritual message, perhaps simply eyeing Hank as his next meal.


I picked up Hank, lest he be swooped away like some unsuspecting prey, held him in my arms, and reveled in the beauty before me.


In that moment, under wide blue sky, breathing fresh country air untainted by man, my soul grounded by the naked earth, I felt the peace and contentment I have been seeking lately.


I was/am secure in the knowledge that I am exactly where I need to be, that I am exactly who I need to be.


At one with myself. Whole



In love...with life.