On Doing It All

I was exhausted.  I had only myself to blame.  I never realized how much, how hard, how far I pushed myself.  The truth is, I thought I should be doing more.  I was waking up at 4, sometimes earlier, writing for my various gigs, going to the gym, going to work, coaching, cleaning, cooking dinner, packing for the next day, and then dropping into bed certain there was not enough sleep in the world for me to feel untired. 

But in my mind, I should have been doing more.  In my mind, I wasn't even close to being tapped out because look at my sister.  That crazy bitch has a more stressful job, two coaching gigs, a judging (for state dance) gig, and two kids in various activities. 

She's skinnier than I am and she's a little bit crippled.

So in theory, I should be able to do all this and more.  A few years ago I was doing all this and more.

But I was crippling myself emotionally.

I was coming home from work exhausted, too tired and/or busy to walk my dog, to have a conversation with my husband.  Total zombie mode.

And so I went to talk to someone about it, about all the pressure I feel to do all the things I feel like I should be doing.  I have these skills, shouldn't I be putting them to good use?

Yes.  And no.

The bottom line is, I am expending so much energy (physically and emotionally)  that I don't have any left to give to myself...or my husband...at the end of the day.

And so I decided to take a vacation from my own life.

For a week I slept in until 5:30 almost every day.  I decided not to go to the gym unless I felt like it (the world didn't end, either), and I decided to take a two week break from writing.  No book, no blog, no CurvyGirl.  No pressure.

I feel rejuvenated.  I feel re-energized.  I feel ready to take it all on again, only this time with some boundaries.  And a shift in perspective.

I've started coaching cheer again.  Not for any other reason that I enjoy it.  I've started (with a co-founder) a youth program.  Not because I should but because I want to.  I've started to understand what my actual job is and how much extra I've been taking on.  I wrote this blog post today not because my blog is neglected and I should write something, but because, well, I felt like it even though my two-week writing hiatus isn't over.

I am learning that it's okay to do nothing, because sometimes doing nothing allows me to do everything.  I am rested, I am energized, and, most of all, I feel like, once again, I am living.