Gratitude

Gratitude.

I struggle with it.

I mean, I don't walk around and act like an asshole...blatantly, anyway.

But two separate conversations today have made me realize that maybe the energy I'm putting out there seems ungrateful. That maybe, to the Universe, I am, indeed, an ungrateful brat. The worst kind of asshole.

Like the fact that I want a new kitchen. That I talk to Scott about in constantly. That it's the first thing I tell people when they come into my house, just so they know that it is not the kitchen I want.

Because the kitchen I have, which is in perfect working order and clean and cute isn't good enough?

Like the fact that I hate my thighs.

Because the fact that I have perfectly working,strong, healthy muscles is not enough?

I looked through my dresses today and decided I need more. Because 100 (yes, literally, 100--maybe more--)is not enough?

So I'm having this epiphany. Again.

Gratitude isn't simply being grateful when someone is nice to you, when you get something, when something makes you feel warm inside.

It's about feeling warm inside with what you have. Right now. It's appreciating that what you have, who you have, who you are...is perfect. And great. And just as it should be.

Perhaps this is not the best time for me to be thinking these things...I'm about to board a plane for a girls' trip with my mom and sisters. Undoubtedly, this will involve a lot of shopping and lust over the new trends for spring and summer. Undoubtedly, it will involve some anxiety for me because, even if I return with 10 shopping bags full of new clothes, it will not be enough. I will still need more. I still won't look as good as I think I should.

Perhaps this is exactly the perfect time for me to be thinking about how I already have enough.

More than enough.

I should be ecstatic.

I'm working on it.