On needing

Before I got married (translation: before Scott and I shared a bank account) I was very aware of every dollar I spent. I worked extra hours in order to shop, I budgeted and saved and was fiscally responsible.

But then I burnt (burned? I don't know the correct word) myself out from working too much.

And then I realized that having all the shoes in the world doesn't make me any prettier, nor does it make me a better person.

So I stopped working so much and sat down with Scott to work out a "married" budget that would allow just enough for me to maintain my monthly massages, facials, mani/pedis, and maybe a few other things here and there.

I stopped shopping(ish), but I never could quite stick to my budget. Which turned out to be okay, because Scott then changed his tune to "you have no budget, just buy what you need."

This was, like, the worst mind fuck of all time, because technically I don't need anything.

For a while, I stopped shopping altogether, because there was the voice of reason in the back of my head, thinking about needy kids in Africa or even some of the kids I know here in the U.S., telling me I didn't need another purse or a ten millionth pair of cowboy boots. Besides, I didn't want to buy any new clothes until I could fit back into my old clothes, which made sense in my head but makes no sense when I think about it now. So instead of shopping, I started donating money to charities.

For the most part, I've stopped obsessing over the latest trends. I've come to realize that I am the same person whether or not I wear the same outfit twice in one month. People don't like me any more or any less because of what I'm wearing. I don't like myself any more or any less, either. Self-worth has to come from somewhere deeper.

I haven't totally killed the materialistic side of me, I've just tamed her a bit. I still enjoy clothes and shoes and all the shiny things, I just enjoy them in moderation (obviously except for the three pair of cowboy boots I bought last week, but I did need them--okay, I needed just one pair, but whatevs, you try passing up a good deal like that).

It's not that I've had some big life epiphany, more like a husband whose voice echoes in my head whenever I contemplate a purchase. Do I need it?

Scott killed my guilt-free shopping days, but maybe he saved my soul.