If not verbal or physical abuse...what then?

I have been trained by some of the world's best psychologists in behavior modification.

I have a bachelor's degree in psychology and have worked with the toughest of the tough--both kids and adults.  I've seen results.

I pride myself on my skills.  I judge others for their lack of (this is sarcasm, stop thinking I'm an asshole).

I dream about becoming a parenting consultant or a dean of a school or just a person others worship as being someone who knows what the fuck she's talking about when it comes to discipline.

I won't go into my philosophies, except to say that one thing I don't believe in, will never advocate, is using physical means to force someone to do something.

And so now?

I'm at a loss as to what to do with my dog. 

The past couple of days when I've tried to leave for work, he runs out the door and barks at me.  When I put him back in the house, he sits by the door, just waiting for me to open it so he can run out again, repeat the cycle, and give me a quasi-legit reason to be late to work.

But it has to be stopped, he thinks he's the boss.  There's only one boss up in here, and she weighs more than 12 pounds.

Because I don't believe in using physical means to stop this behavior, and because my telling him I'm going to cut off his mother fucking tail or one remaining ball isn't working, I'm at a loss.

How do I communicate to my dog that he needs to enjoy the fact that he has free reign of a 2600 square foot house and is not spending his time in a crate or, worse, um, anywhere because OUR HOUSE IS AWESOME YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BRAT.

I don't want to hire a dog whisperer or take him to obedience school, so how do I communicate, without using physical or verbal abuse, that he needs to get over it and that, though I would love to be able to stay home all day and let me lick his face, until he either gets a job or learns how to rob banks, he's going to have to deal with it?