If anyone needs me, I'll be the girl stalking Fredrick's of Hollywood.
Because in a random attempt at being a better fiance, I decided to purchase some skankwear. Only when the cashier asked me if I wanted to try it on, I told her no.
And when she asked me if the skivvies were a gift for someone, I told her yes. So she wrapped them for me.
I lied to her so I could escape the store without looking like a giant whorebag.
Which would have been perfect because it's Scott's birthday tomorrow and obviously something cute for me is the best gift for him.
Except then he would get all of his....err....hopes(?) up and expect some sort of choreographed routine in which I had to act all slutty and confident.
And it's hard to do that in something that doesn't look right.
So I had to unwrap the present, just to make sure the set would, indeed, magically transform me into a hawt stripper. And I discovered that not obsessing over your body actually works, because I'm much, much smaller than I thought. Both top and bottom are too big.
So now I have to take them back to the store for an exchange.
Only, I don't want to exchange them with that same cashier. She'll, like, totally judge me. And I don't need some trick at the mall making fun of me behind my back because I, apparently, don't even know my own bra size.
Oh, and then there's the little detail that I lied about who they were for. Because, you know, the random cashier at the whore-wear store ranks right up there with my mom under the category of People Who, At All Costs, Need Protection From My Fornication.
Anyway.
The plan is for me to just hang out at the mall, and when she goes on break, I'll dash in for the exchange.
So that's how I'll be spending my summer break.
Lesson: It's better to ruin your entire summer break than look like a giant skank.
See? I learned this time.
7 comments:
how dare she even ask, come on, she hasn't figured out, it is none of her business. next time just tell her that. Maybe you will get lucky and she won't be working.
Yeah, it's a good thing you're protecting the CASHIER AT THE SKANK STORE from the fact that people who buy her underwears actually wear them, as opposed to what she was told when she accepted the job, which is that they sew them together to form temple garments.
Ha! That's the Utah coming out of you!
I think the girlfriend manual clearly states it's OK to be a whore on your man's birthday, just don't look like a whore on your own birthday.
First of all, SEE, YOU ARE SKINNY! Secondly, honey, I doubt that you are a whorebag based on the clientele she sees everyday. I made a similar purchase once and realized how normal and unskanky I am, just being in there.
Or you could just march up to the desk, exchange them, and decide it doesn't matter what she thinks, especially since you'll probably never see her again. There, I just saved you two hours worth of sitting on a dirty mall bench waiting for her to go on break.
Or, you could go to a different F of H store. I used to work retail. You can do that, ya know.
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