It's Not You, It's Me.

This is a very messy situation.

I’ve got to break some horrible news to a friend, and I’m not quite sure how to go about it. I mean, I think I’m innocent in all this, but one can never be too sure.

It all started innocently enough, Sarah drunk dialing me just to chat. I’m thinking nothing of her telling me how much she loves me and wishes we lived closer to each other.

Until I hear it, the telltale signs that talking to me is not the only thing she’s doing. There’s no mistaking that sound, the sound I’m sure she is thinking is not transmitting over the phone.

But I hear it. And I call her on it.

She says it’s her electric toothbrush, but I know better.

I might have fallen for the excuse the first time, but I’m onto her now.

Sarah, the little whore, is using her vibrator while talking to me. Obviously the sound of my voice is just too much for her to handle. And since this isn’t the first time this has happened, the truth has finally dawned on me.

She has a giant lesbo crush on me.

There’s no other explanation.

And now I have to break it to her that not only do I not reciprocate her feelings, I’m actually in love with and engaged to one of her best friends.

Obviously she’s going to be devastated.

I mean, she’s hot and all, but I don’t think of her in that way. I just hope she knows it’s not her, it’s me. The timing is just off.

Here’s to hoping she’ll take this gently.


Remember, Sarah: This, too, shall pass.