Late yesterday afternoon, the Mormons evacuated the house in pursuit of fellow Saints (Utah) and I immediately evacuated to the nearest coffee house. My body was in such shock at finally receiving much-needed fuel, that I failed to realize that today, I am headed toward a land full of Saints. Nothing but Saints.
Today, I am headed to Utah. And not even the part of Utah that is just mostly Mormon (SLC), but the part of Utah that is all the way Mormon (the rest of the state). The part of Utah where if you even think about drinking coffee or alcohol (even though you can buy neither of these within a 100 square mile radius of my hometown), you are immediately overtaken by village people who sing you songs and bake you homemade goods in hopes that you will feel the spirit and see the true path to heaven. They smile sweetly at you (even when you use the word fuck repeatedly in one sentence), and all the while you know that they just feel sorry for you because you will burn in hell at judgement day because you have left the promised land, aren't married with 5 kids under the age of 4, and watch movies with a rating higher than G.
I'm on to them, though. In preparation, we have disguised the SUV as a minivan by crossing out the part that says "Yukon" and replaced it with "Caravan" (thanks for they idea, Helmey). And although we are only traveling with 2 children, my sister and I will both be in the car, so it will look like John is traveling with more than 1 wife. In addition, we have added a bumper sticker that read: "Families are Forever." I think that should hold us over until the missionaries turn in for the night. Or at least until Sunday, when they will be at church learning of ways to save (aka: take over) the world.
3 comments:
Be sure to cover the smell of coffee on your breath by gagging down some green jello with shredded carrots…I can get you into Utah safely…However the celestial kingdom is all on you…I believe in your Kel…I always have…
Welcome to Zion v 3.2 !!!
I guess you haven't been here in a while, huh? You will be surprised to know there is a coffee shop in town. Yes, a coffee shop of all things. I think it might also be a bookstore too. I've never been in there, so I don't really know. It cracks me up because all these people are against it, but they sure have no problem making money off of it. Then again, I'm not sure that the people who own it are Mormon. I'm just assuming they are.
Always nice to stumble upon a fellow x-Mormon Utahan. I fell for ya, but I will agree with Sandy, things are getting slightly better. I used to work in "Happy Valley" (something like 85% Mormons) and that was hell, but now that I am working in downtown Salt Lake (only 50% Mormons), life is good. Hope you survive your stay!
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